ahopper84

Title: Never Be The Same Again
Chapter: 11
Pairings: Zaylor
POV: Taylor
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Word Count: 2579
Author's Note: Longest chapter yet, w00t! Get your tissues, people! Also, I don't drink coffee AT ALL, so forgive me if I don't know Starbucks lingo...

I sigh heavily as soon as the door is closed, leaning against it and covering my face with my hands. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Does he even know how insane he makes me? Of course not, because that wouldn't be normal. I let out a dark chuckle. If he only knew how not normal I really am...

It started with that damn fanfiction. I never should have read it. It got into my head, messed with my thought patterns. Ever since then, I've seen my brother in a whole new way. It's like... having a picture on your wall, that you've been looking at for years, but one day someone points out these tiny little details you never noticed. And once they've been pointed out, you can't help noticing them.

Like his eyes. Everyone always says I have gorgeous eyes; I don't think they're that special, but whatever. But his eyes... the way they seem to analyze everything in seconds. They can look at you, and you feel like every secret you've ever kept is laid to bear. The way they can look so sad, even when he's pretending to be in the best of moods. Or maybe they just reflect your own emotions back at you.

I bang my head against the door lightly. I barely feel it, so I repeat the motion, a bit harder. A light thud, but still not enough. I drop my chin forward, before slamming my head backwards a third time. This time, I feel it resonating in my teeth. Okay, not my brightest moment. I stumble forward, shaking my head, and fall into my office chair. I open my laptop, staring blankly at the screen for a few minutes. I know what I'm about to do, even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm not sure whether to be surprised or not. The Zaylor blogs, the very reason this whole mess started, aren't any less active. If anything, they're more active. And what are they saying? "Zac and Taylor seem to have suffered some sort of major fight; they're hardly ever seen together anymore! Come back, guys! You know you miss each other!" I let out a laugh, slow at first, but growing, until my sides hurt. If they only knew...

But after my laughter fades, anger takes over. So the very thing we have been trying to prevent, has actually gotten worse. Wonder-fucking-ful. But then, I can't blame them entirely, can I? It was me that started reading that story. It was me that imagined Zac's naked body next to mine. It was me that came thinking of my brother, doing things to me that half my boyfriends haven't even done. And the thoughts didn't stop when I stopped reading.

Like I said, I can't help noticing the little things anymore. His eyes... that's one of the sweeter, more innocent thoughts. I've also noticed how muscular his arms are, how good his ass looks, how sexual he looks when he's drumming. Especially when he's drumming. I can't even watch him play anymore. Seriously, how do our fans stand it? It looks like he's having a full-blown orgasm every other song!

The anger fades pretty quickly, replaced by the all-too-familiar coldness of depression. We're not the same people we were a few months ago. We've let this change us, and not for the better. It's like all the life has been drained from us, leaving us shells of our former selves. No one has said anything, but I can tell that Isaac's seen it. We;re both quieter, less random, more introverted. We never talk, let alone spend time together.

I wanted to take Zac up on his offer. My heart had swelled with joy at the simple fact that he had offered. For a moment, I thought maybe... maybe things could go back to the way things were. But one look at him, and I knew I couldn't. He wants so badly to be normal. And I still want to give him everything. So, I refused. I just hope he knows... Scratch that. I hope he doesn't know how much this is hurting me. Because that would make things worse.

Zac... I really would give him anything. I've always spoiled him, I think with a smile. Even when it's not what he needs. My thoughts stop for a moment. Not what he needs... That's it. I give him what he wants, or what he thinks he wants, regardless of what he actually needs. I'm his big brother. I'm supposed to help him, to lead him, to show him how to survive. And that means giving him what he needs.

I slam my fist down on the desk. That's it! I need to step up, and stop whining, and be the big brother he needs... the brother he deserves. I start to smile, the first real smile in far too long. Everything seems so clear. So a bunch of fans think we're a little too touchy-feely. So fucking what? We... we need each other. That much is obvious, now, as we fall to pieces on our own. My smile grows, as I practically run out of the office.

"Zac, I-" I look around at the empty studio. Shit. I look at the coat rack; his jacket is missing. Shit. I look at the table next to his drum kit; he's forgotten his phone, or left it here on purpose. Shit. I run to the door, and look out into the parking lot. His car is still sitting where he parked it this morning, but it's empty. Shit.

Dejected, I sit at the piano, trying to steady my breathing. It's no big deal. He'll be back. He won't go too far without his phone. And it's starting to rain. He hates the rain, or at least being outside in it. He'll be back soon. How long has he been gone? I check the clock, but realize I have no clue what time it was when I went into the office, or how long after that he left.

Five minutes go by, then ten, then twenty. I start to consider going out looking for him; I look out the window, and see that it's pouring. I hope he's somewhere safe, but I can't shake the knot in my stomach. He looked so hurt when I turned him down. Oh God, please let him be okay. I watch as another five minutes go by. That's it. I grab my keys, and turn to face the door, but stop short.

Zac is standing just inside the studio, dripping wet, carrying a coffee tray with a plastic bag draped over it. I can't stop myself from looking him over, the way the raindrops roll down his cheek, and how his jeans cling to his legs. He looks up at me as he pulls the bag off, his eyes wet, and I can't shake the feeling it's not just from the rain.

"I... I got you your favorite. Vente macchiato, splash of caramel, extra foam. I double-lidded it, I hope it's still hot enough. I know how much you hate lukewarm coffee." I don't know if it's the look in his eyes, or the tremble in his voice, but something in me breaks. I walk slowly over, taking the tray and setting it aside. I look back to his eyes, feeling my own well up, before wrapping my arms around him tightly.

He's frozen stiff for a moment, but after a few tense seconds, he hesitantly wraps his arms around me. I squeeze him tightly, and he finally returns the embrace. I realize that I'm crying, and soon I feel his shoulders shaking as well. I close my eyes and lean my head against his, not ever wanting to let him go.

* * *

A short while later, I'm sitting with Zac on his couch; I drove him home and got him into some dry clothes, and now I'm wrapping him in a blanket with a hot cup of tea. He looks up at me, a grateful but uneasy smile on his lips. He looks so helpless... and cute... I bite my lip as I try to ignore that thought. I watch him carefully as he sips his beverage, before shivering.

I sigh and sit next to him, moving the blanket for a moment, and wrapping it around both of us. He flinches slightly as I press myself next to him, but I throw him a look.

"Body heat. Get over it. You'll be lucky if you don't have pneumonia." He looks down glumly, but I catch the tiny smirk at the corner of his mouth.

"Yes, Mother..." he mutters under his breath, his eyes darting to mine when he realizes he said it out loud. We stare at each other for a second, before both of us bust out in laughter. I rub his back soothingly as he takes another sip of the steaming liquid.

"So, I've been thinking..." I really don't want to ruin the mood, but I know this has to be done, and the sooner the better. He sets his drink down and rubs his upper arms, obviously (to me, at least) bracing himself. I bite my lip again, still rubbing his back. I know what to say, but...

"I know what to say, but don't know where to begin..." he sings softly, his eyes on me. I raise an eyebrow at him, my lips curling just a bit. So he can read my mind still. Good. Maybe we're not too far gone, then. Maybe I can still fix this.

"Zac. I'm your big brother. I'm supposed to help you grow. Show you what to do. Give you what you need. But that's just it; I haven't been doing that. I've been giving you what you want. Not that I mind, much; I like spoiling you." I laugh lightly, and he smiles. "But there are times when I should know whats best for you. I should know what to encourage, but also what to discourage. And... God, this is coming out all wrong." I run a hand through my hair lightly, and feel my pocket for my cigarettes. I start to pull one out, but Zac stops my hand. I nearly jump at the feeling of his skin on mine. I look at him; his eyes are pleading with me.

"Like me trying to tell you not to smoke?" After a moment, I close my eyes and let out a sigh.

"Yea... like that." I smirk at him, taking another deep breath and rolling my eyes as I remove the pack from my pocket, tossing it on the coffee table. He continues to stare at me expectantly. Groaning, I grab it and toss it at the trash can in the corner. He gives me a satisfied grin as he sips his tea.

"And that's it exactly. Sometimes, we have to tell each other things we might not want to hear. And I've... I've been letting you do things that you shouldn't. Things that have hurt you a lot more than those cigarettes have hurt me." The way he's looking at me makes me think he might see where I'm going with this.

"Zac. This whole... separation... thing. I told you that maybe it was for the best. I did that because you seemed so unhappy. But if I'd know how much worse it would be afterwards... You're barely the same person, Zac. You don't joke around, you barely smile. When's the last time you drew or painted anything? Hell, I don't think I've even seen you play your video games more than once a week. You're... you're not you anymore. And I miss you."

"You're not the same either." I blink in shock.

"Wh-what?"

"You. You're not the same either. Maybe it isn't as obvious, but you're just... not the same." Was it that obvious? To him? I'd hoped no one had noticed, especially not him. But apparently he still knows me too well. Kind of a comforting thought.

"Well, whatever. It's you I'm worried about. So I want this to stop. I'm not even saying it because I miss you. I'm saying it because I'm worried about you. Did you notice you've gotten thinner?" He stares for a moment before looking down and shrugging. "I told you before; I want you to be happy. And I know right now you might not want to be too close to me." He flinches a bit at that, but I go on. "But if this is what happens when you're not, then obviously what you need is more important than what you want."

He's silent for a minute, before looking up at me again. There are tears in his eyes, and I feel my heart ache. I touch his cheek lightly, watching the way he tenses up, before leaning into my touch.

"I don't want to need you," he says quietly. "But... I do. I'm so pathetic." The last part is almost lost as he dissolves into tears, leaning forward with his head in his hands. My heart breaks as I watch him sob, before pulling him into my arms. He fights it, but only for a moment. Soon enough he's clinging to me for dear life, sobbing into my shoulder, and for my part all I can do is hold him.

"I know," I say softly as I nudge him back, forcing him to look at me. "I know what it's like to need someone, even though you know you shouldn't. But listen. You are not pathetic." He just looks at me, sniffling, and I gently wipe his cheeks with the back of my fingers.

"But... I shouldn't feel this way. You don't feel this way. You're not falling apart." I let out a breath. So maybe he doesn't know me as well as I thought.

"Zac... You think I'm not? You even said yourself, I'm not the same either."

"Yea, but... but you said it's not because you miss me. It's just cuz you're worried about me." I'm stunned, and I feel my eyes tear up all over again, and this time I'm the one hanging onto him.

"That's not what I meant, Zac," I whisper in his ear. I try to block out the smell of his hair, a mixture of rain, and his shampoo, and something that's just him. "That's not what I meant at all. Of course I... God, if you only knew. If you only knew how badly I've missed you. You're not the pathetic one. Trust me." He pulls back and searches my eyes, and I do my best to let down my guard, showing him for once all the pain I've been going through.

"Come back. For good this time. Please." My voice breaks as I struggle to speak. "I need you. Just as much as you need me. More, even." I hold my breath. A minute goes by, the only sound in the room the ticking of the clock on the wall. Finally, he closes his eyes slowly, tiredly.

"If you still want me." After a second, I actually laugh, pulling him once more into my arms.

"Of course I still want you," I whisper in his ear, hugging him tightly. I feel him nod, and I don't know how, but I can tell he's smiling. "I'll always want you." More than you know.