ahopper84

Title: Never Be The Same Again
Chapter: 10
Pairings: Zaylor
POV: Zac
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Word Count: 2058
Author's Note:

I wake up slowly, the room coming into focus. As I stretch and sit up, memories flood back. The party, the comments, the fight; the decision I made. There's a knock at the door, and I stumble to get my jeans on.

Ike lets me know that we're leaving in an hour, and I grumble my acknowledgment. He leaves, and I collapse back onto the bed, falling asleep for another forty minutes. I curse when I look at the time, taking a short shower and throwing on yesterday's clothes before heading over to Tay's room.

I really don't want to face him right now, but I don't have much of a choice. I knock on his door, waiting nervously. I expect him to chew me out for disappearing, or ask me what's wrong. What I don't expect, is the nervous, almost fearful look he throws me, before looking away.

"Morning," he mumbles. Maybe he just hasn't had his coffee yet.

"Yea, morning. Sorry about taking off last night. I, uh... left the party kinda late, and didn't want to wake you up, so I just got my own room." It's a pathetic excuse, and I'm fully expecting him to call me out on it. But surprising me again, he just nods, staring at the carpet. There's something strange going on, a tension in the air that for once isn't caused by my paranoia.

"So, um... you ready?" He nods, grabbing his suitcase. I watch as he walks over to the door and waits. This is definitely not the Tay I'm used to. But then, considering my decision, it should be a good thing. Shouldn't it? I try to ignore the uncomfortable twisting in my gut as I grab my bags and follow him out.

The silence continues all morning, all day, all week. I'm back to where I was a month ago, keeping my distance, avoiding as much physical and eye contact as possible. But something's different. The instincts I have are still there, just as strong, just as difficult to ignore. But the tension I felt, from Taylor, is missing. It's like... he's accepted it. Like he's not even trying to get my attention anymore.

This is what you wanted, isn't it? No temptation? No distraction? It's true, it does seem easier to resist when my brother isn't trying so hard. But then, why isn't it getting any easier? As the days go by, it almost seems to hurt more, not less. But what really surprises me is how hurt I am by Tay's acceptance.

* * *

The party was a few weeks ago, and I've held up pretty well. And Taylor seems to have totally accepted our separation. In fact, he even seems to be reinforcing it, maneuvering so that Ike is almost always between us. Is the same Tay who cried, begging me not to leave him? I suppose I should be grateful, but I'm not.

It's not getting any easier, but it is feeling more... normal. I still feel the initial urges, but resisting them has become a reflex, something I hardly have to think about anymore. But I still feel the pangs of loneliness, every time he does something to punctuate the distance. And he does. It's almost like he's avoiding me. And I don't know why, but that hurts most of all.

"Hey, Tay?" I can't believe I'm doing this, and I don't even know why I'm doing it. But as we relax in the green room, I sit next to Tay. He looks up at me, an uneasy shadow in his eyes.

"What's up, Zac?"

"I just... I wanted to talk to you. I... I did a lot of thinking. And I realized, I think maybe I should've kept up with the whole... keeping my distance thing." Tay stares blankly for a moment, before looking down at his hands in his lap.

"I know. And, I think... you might be right." I can't even try to hide the shock on my face, but Tay doesn't look up to see it.

"I... Are you sure?" He nods slowly, still not looking at me.

"Yea. The last thing we need is to give people the wrong idea about us. So, I think it's best if we... you know... spent some time apart." I feel myself nod, but I don't really feel like I'm there. I'm surprised at the feeling of... rejection... that comes over me so hard, I have to blink back tears. Good thing he's not looking at me to see them.

* * *

It's been three months. Three long months. I've almost forgotten what it's like to be close to Tay, to be able to laugh at his stupid jokes, to be able to lean on him when I'm feeling worn down. I can't remember the last time we hung out, just the two of us. And he seems to be just fine with it.

To say that it hurts isn't exactly accurate. It does, but not in an obvious way. It's more like a dull ache, something that's become part of me. I can't even remember what it feels like to not have this shadow hanging over me. It's like when you get a really bad cold, one that lasts a really long time. After a while, you forget what it's like to be able to breathe clearly. And I can't breathe, not without this tightness in my chest that won't go away.

I look over at Tay briefly, as he answers the reporter's questions. We're being interviewed for some magazine; I forget which one, something local. Ike is sitting between us, as usual. Well, it's usual now. It used to almost always be me in the middle, or sometimes Tay. But now we're always separated, in interviews, photo shoots, even the end-of-concert bow.

I'm not paying attention, and I have to be asked a question twice. I give a lackluster answer, and Ike glances at me before picking up the slack. He's been doing that a lot lately, throwing me little looks. And I know exactly why. I haven't been myself lately; or rather, not the Zac that people expect. Our fans pay to see the wild, zany, ADD Zac. But he hasn't been around lately. I've tried, but he just isn't there anymore.

I've thought about that a lot, too. I always loved making people laugh, but it was always Tay that laughed the hardest. And I think part of me enjoyed that. But now, I get nothing from him, beyond a weak, tired, half-assed smirk now and then. And without him to play off of, I just don't feel like it's worth it.

He doesn't seem himself lately, either. It's a more subtle difference, and maybe no one else has even noticed. But I have. It's noting I can pinpoint, exactly, like I can do with myself. He's just... not the same Tay. And I can't help feeling guilty for that. But he hasn't tried to change things, so that must mean he's okay with it, right?

No one has made any comments about us in a while, so I guess my plan is working. But then, people rarely said stuff to our faces; the thing at Mike's party wasn't a common occurrence. But I feel like it has to be making a difference, somehow. It's become fairly obvious that we don't act the same around each other. I get the feeling people can tell something's changed, but no one's brought it up.

Probably because to bring it up would mean bringing up how things looked before. And most people have enough common sense to never bring that up, especially to me. I have a short temper as it is, and everyone knows I have zero tolerance for anyone questioning my relationship with Taylor. Well, what relationship I have, which isn't much anymore.

That's a depressing thought, one I try to avoid. I tell myself we're still friends, but we haven't been acting like it. At least, I haven't. Maybe... maybe I've taken this a bit too far. I mean, what's the point, if I can't ever be his friend again? Is it really worth losing him over? I've been wondering lately. But then, he hasn't said anything. He isn't... mad at me, is he? I hope not, but now I'm not sure.

The uneasy tension, the way he quickly accepted the decision to separate, the lengths he's gone to to support that separation; have I pushed him too far away? Does he even want to be my friend anymore? Or have I done too much permanent damage?

Should I try to fix things? Or should I wait, and see what he does? Or will waiting only make things worse? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I barely even know who I am anymore. And it's all because of him. God, why is this so hard? Why am I so lost without him? And why doesn't he seem to care?

* * *

"Hey, Tay?" My brother looks up from his piano; we're at our studio, just jamming and throwing some ideas around. It's the first time we've been alone in a while, and neither one of us expected it; Ike had to rush out, apparently to help his girlfriend with some minor emergency. Tay eyes me cautiously, looking almost surprised. I realize, sadly, that it's probably because we hardly even talk anymore.

"What's up?"

"I was gonna go get some lunch in a few. Wanna come?" It's been so long since we did anything together. Maybe it's my fault, though; maybe he's just waiting for me to ask.

"Eh, I'm not really hungry." That's unlikely, considering it's almost two in the afternoon, and he hasn't had anything since that muffin at nine. I suppose I should be grateful; he's been doing so much to support my decision to put some distance between us. More than I would have ever expected. It's almost like...

"You sure? I was gonna stop by Starbucks on the way back. My treat."

"Um... That's okay. I've got some... paperwork, I need to get to." He looks at me for a moment, before getting up and heading towards the office. I sit back in my chair, shocked. Tay never turns down Starbucks, especially not when it's free. I was right. He's not just supporting my decision; he's flat-out avoiding me.

What have I done? Have I pushed him so far away, that we're not even friends anymore, let alone best friends? Hell, we barely even act like brothers. We're just... band-mates. Two guys, with only the music to bind us. We don't talk, we don't joke around. We don't see each other, outside of rehearsals. Just two people, leading completely separate lives.

I never wanted this. I just wanted the gossip to stop. I didn't want to actually lose him. I have to fix this. I have to try and make him understand, that I never meant to desert him completely. I have to try to get my brother back. They say be careful what you wish for... but all I wish for is to have Tay back. The real Tay. The Tay who would laugh at my stupid jokes; who would be just as random as me sometimes; who could make any day brighter with just a smile.

I stare after Tay for a few minutes, before grabbing my jacket and walking out the door. I don't know where I'm headed, but I just need some time to think. I consider driving, decide against it. It's a cool day, and the skies are a bleak... but I don't think I would even care if it started to rain. Matches my mood, I think to myself as I start walking. Sure enough, it isn't long before I feel the first drop hit my nose.

I hardly even care about the gossip anymore. It's not worth it. Yes, people talk about us. But they're wrong, so why should I care? I'm acting like I have a guilty conscience... which I don't. And worse, I'm losing Tay altogether because of it. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. I can't get into the music like I used to. I haven't painted anything in weeks. Life just isn't... worth living. Not without Tay.

Oh, God, what have I done...