Brother Forgive Me (For I Have Sinned)

[ahopper84]

Title: Brother Forgive Me (For I Have Sinned)

Chapter: 1/1

Rating: R

Warnings: Implied slash/cest, Dubcon

Word Count: 966

Summary: Zac confesses his greatest sin.

A/N: This one took a rather... unexpected turn. Yay angst?

“What would you do… if I told you… that Zaylor was real?” he said. He stared at his lap, picking at a rough patch of his jeans. I stared at him, blinking, brow furrowed; hadn’t we just been talking about our favorite bassists? But his brain was always jumping tracks, even more when he was high.

“So… you and Tay… really?” I let out a breath. Maybe if I’d been sober I would’ve been more shocked, but in my fuzzy state I was more curious than anything else.

“Was real. Only happened once.” He took another hit from the joint and leaned his head back, exhaling slowly. I watched the smoke curl and twist in the air, getting distracted for a moment.

“How?” I wanted to say ‘why’ but that felt too judgemental, and if there was one person I could never judge, it was Zac. He could tell me he shot JFK and I’d be more curious about the time travel than the motive.

“We were on tour. Second album. I was fifteen, he was… sixteen? No, seventeen. It was right after my birthday.” He stopped, took another hit, closed his eyes. For a second I wondered if he’d fallen asleep, but he let out a long sigh.

“I’d been dating… well, maybe not ‘dating,’ but ya know… half the opening act. These two chicks from… Norway? Sweden? Something like that. Ike was banging the other one, and Tay was… well he’d met Nat, but I think they were on break, or weren’t dating yet, or something.”

I nodded; I’d heard something about that from Ike in the past.

“Well right after my birthday, I mean the next fucking day, she breaks up with me. Not like I expected it to last, but…” He shrugged, looked at me with flushed cheeks. “I was fifteen, she was my first girlfriend; you know how it is.”

I nodded again. I’d been devastated when my first boyfriend had left me, even though we’d both seen it coming a mile away. It stung, feeling like you weren’t good enough, like you’d done something wrong.

“Anyway, I go to Taylor, ranting about how much of a bitch she was, and how I didn’t need her anyway, and Tay got the bright idea for us to drink away our sorrows.” Zac paused, and snorted. “Never knew what he had to be sorry about; he was top of the fucking world back then.”

Drinking away sorrows seemed to be Taylor’s m.o., from what I’d seen. Read another shitty article about the band? Buy a six-pack. Fight with the wife? Hit the bar. But Zac wasn’t really a drinker, that I knew of. Then again, maybe there was a good reason for that.

“So we sat in the hotel room all night, raiding the minibar. And we… well…” Zac stopped again; his cheeks were bright red, and he hung his head low, his hair hiding his face. “We kissed. It was just… just once. We were falling asleep, and piss drunk, and I guess we were both lonely and a little horny. Or maybe that was just me.”

“Okay… so you kissed. That’s… not a big deal really.” And it isn’t; one curious kiss doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But he shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest.

“That… wasn’t it. See, he kinda… well, not passed out, exactly. But he was pretty out of it. And… well, I… I kinda liked kissing him. So I did it again. And... more.”

“You… Zac, what did…” I took a breath, trying to swallow what he was telling me. He curls into himself even further.

“I did… a lot. He was… well, he was awake enough to go with it, but…”

“But he didn’t know who was doing it?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, what Zac was admitting to. I didn’t know why it made a difference, and I still didn’t want to judge him, but this was going down a path I really couldn’t have expected.

Zac shook his head, hugging his knees.

“I… I don’t think so. He never said, like, anyone’s name or anything, but…”

“Zac…” I didn’t know what to say. What was there to say? “I take it he still doesn’t know?”

“I don’t think he remembers any of it. I left after he… well, after. I don’t know if he even remembered me being in his room at all.” Zac sniffled; he tried to hold still, but I could hear the catch in his breath, the tremble in his voice. “I wish I didn’t remember.”

I placed a hand on his shoulder; I wanted him to know I was still there, still his friend. But I couldn’t actually tell him that. I knew my voice would sound too unsure, make him think I was lying. And I really wanted to still be there for him. But this… this was going to take some time to process. Sure, he’d been only fifteen at the time, but… I didn’t know if that made it better, or worse.

“Carrick,” he said, his voice wet and broken. “Please don’t tell him.”

“Zac…”

Both of us looked up at the door suddenly. Taylor stood there, tears in his eyes. I glanced at Zac again; he was white as a ghost, his mouth hanging open in what looked like a mix of complete shock and horror.

“Zac,” Taylor said again, taking a step into the room. He walked over to Zac, kneeling in front of him. Zac shrank back, tried to turn away, but Taylor cupped his face with one hand. Zac closed his eyes, a tear rolling down his cheek; Taylor brushed it away with his thumb, and… and smiled.

“Zac… I knew it was you.”

Comments

[sissyraerose.livejournal.com]

This did take a bit of a twist at the end. It wasn't at all what i though it was gonna be from the title. But still good. Real good. Great job.

BTW can I make a small request? I just finally got a LJ account after years and years of being a fan. Boo :( so I kind of missed the boom of Zaylor fanfiction. And a lot of them are locked, and haven't been touched in years. One of which being "In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man" (@praise_fic). Well... I really really want to read that one, and I cant seem to find any other way around it. Could possible maybe help me out and email the chaps to me? Pleeeeeeeease? I'd be ever ever grateful :) my emails "sissyraerose@gmail.com". Pleeeeease? Help another Zaylor fan out?
I'm pretty you're friends with her right?

[withasmile87.livejournal.com]

Oh I liked this. Glad that Taylor wasn't that far gone and knew it was Zac.

[erinerin.livejournal.com]

Ooooh I LOVED this. I want more.

[ftchaven.livejournal.com]

I loved this so much. It's hauntingly sweet. There is so much that isn't said. But the best part of it is that it didn't need to be said for the feelings and emotions to come across loud and clear.

[aajox.livejournal.com]

Omg I loved this!! I'm glad that Taylor knew it was Zac and he wasn't upset or disgusted 😊

So many emotions and the angst...ugh ❤

I would definitely be interested in reading more of this if you ever decided to add to this! 😁

[zacgirl1.livejournal.com]

I really like the way you write. Everything feels so real. I was like feeling everything Carrick was feeling. And Zac's confession and tears were so heartbreaking. The end was really unexpected and I loved it. :-)