Moonlight Mile - 5

[ahopper84]

Title: Moonlight Mile
Author: Amber (ahopper84)
Chapter: 5/?
Rating: R/NC-17
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Warnings: none yet...
Summary: Hanson the band is no more; Taylor walked away from that life a long time ago, after having a hand in its destruction. But when Zac suddenly reappears in his life, looking to reconnect, maybe Taylor can learn to forgive himself, and find that some things happen for a reason.
Excerpt:I’d tried to protect him, but ended up failing him even worse.



“H-how long have you known?”

Zac shrugs, stares down at the joint hanging between his fingers. He puts it to his lips and lights it, inhaling deeply; when he exhales, I can practically see the weight lifting off his shoulders, just a little.

“Ike didn’t find out til a couple years ago,” he says quietly. “I’d heard him talk shit for years, so I knew how he’d take it if I ever told him. So I kept it in, didn’t tell him anything about who I was seeing or whatever. Not that it was ever his business anyway. But a couple years ago... it was Thanksgiving, I think. He went off on this rant, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

Zac pauses to take another hit, then passes the joint to me. My fingers are shaking as I take it; the smell, the taste, both take me back in time. Suddenly I’m nineteen again, a pipe in my trembling hand as my older brother - the guy who’s supposed to be my friend for life - calls me names that make my skin crawl.

”I knew you were a fucking fag,” he says, spitting out the word as if it makes him physically ill to even say. “I don’t know how you even got it up for Natalie; probably just imagined it was Alex’s ass you were banging.” He pauses, looking like he might actually vomit. “I don’t care what fucked up shit you do in your personal time, but if you bring that shit anywhere near Zac… God only knows what else he’s learning from you, last thing we need is you turning him into a sissy like you.”

“Tay?”

I’m snapped back to the present, and the first thing I see is Zac staring at me with a look of shock and concern. I realize my cheeks are wet, and I’m shaking so hard I can barely hold the joint. I take a hit and let the smoke fill my lungs, dulling the pain a little.

“I’m okay,” I say, sniffling a little. “Just… god, Zac. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Tay.”

“Yes it is.” I shake my head, take another hit. “I should’ve said something. I should’ve been there for you. I…” I turn to look at him, and I can feel fresh tears welling up. Zac had to carry that weight on his shoulders all this time, all alone, with no one to talk to or support him. I’d tried to protect him, but ended up failing him even worse.

“Zac, I… I should’ve told you this years ago. I was just… ashamed, and afraid of what it would do to you, or the band… But, you shouldn’t have had to go through that alone.” I close my eyes, take a deep breath. “You’re not alone. I… I’m…”

“I know,” he says softly, and I look up. There’s pain in his eyes, but guilt, too; I don’t understand at first, but as he slowly nods, I do. “Ike told me, back then. I didn’t believe him at first, but… well, I guess I could just kinda tell, you know? That he was telling the truth.”

“Isaac… told you what, exactly?”

“That you were into guys. Didn’t put it that nicely, but you know him.”

My hands are shaking again, but for a different reason. I knew Ike hated what I was, but to think he’d out me behind my back, to our younger brother no less…

“That was when I knew I couldn’t trust him,” Zac says, and I can see the same anger in his eyes that I’m feeling. “So I just kept it to myself. I wish I hadn’t. I should’ve stood up for you, Tay. You didn’t deserve any of that crap.”

“Neither did you.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes, just passing the joint back and forth until it’s done. My mind is reeling with all the new information. Zac is gay… he knows I am too… Ike was the one to reveal my secret, against my will… Ike knows that same secret about Zac now…

There’s a knock on the door, and we both jump.

“Pizza’s here,” Zac says, giving a laugh of relief. “I’ll get it.”

When Zac comes back, two pizza boxes and a two-litre of Dr. Pepper in hand, he’s smiling. The weight of our conversation isn’t completely gone, but it is easing. He sets our food down on the end of the bed and sits next to me, hip to hip. We both let out a sigh, and it’s like we’re exhaling the past, letting go of its toxicity.

“Thanks for telling me,” I say to him. He smiles and nods, puts a hand on my knee.

“I wanted to, a long time ago. I just…” He looks away and starts to pull his hand back, but I cover it with mine. He looks back, a little surprised, his cheeks turning pink.

“Things happened the way they happened. But I’m glad we know now.”

He stares at me, slowly grinning, then leans his head on my shoulder. I lean my head on his and give his hand a gentle squeeze. For all the wrongs I’ve done him, I feel like maybe I’ve made things just a little bit right.

-----------

“Dude… what’s mine say?” Zac collapses into a fit of giggles as he tries to quote the movie we just finished. We’ve made our way through both pizzas, a few joints, and a six pack of beer Zac picked up earlier. I’m feeling surprisingly good, despite the heaviness of our earlier conversation. It almost feels like old times, but in the best way.

“Hey Tay…” Zac gets quiet for a second, but a grin still plays on his lips. “Remember that part when they’re in the car, and that model dude pulls up next to them?”

I swallow hard, but nod. I can’t imagine what made him think of that scene in particular, but when I look over, his cheeks are a little red.

“I know it was played up for laughs, but… still kinda hot,” he says with a smirk.

“Um… yeah, I guess…”

“I kinda used to have a thing for Ashton Kutcher,” Zac admits with a sheepish grin.

“He’s okay.”

“Yeah?” Zac turns on his side to face me, propping himself up on his elbow. “Who else do you like? Like, what’s your type?”

“I… um… I don’t know…” It’s been so long since I’ve actively looked for or at anyone in those terms, that I really don’t know what my ‘type’ is, or if I even have one. I want to give him some sort of an answer, though, so I try to piece together what I can.

“Dark hair, I guess… not too skinny, not like chubby but not scrawny either… a little on the muscular side, but not, like, jacked... Um, a nice smile… Sorry I’m not much help.” I give him a shrug and a smile, and he nods slowly.

“It’s okay. That’s pretty much the kind of guys I go for too, maybe a little on the skinny side. And…” He stops and looks down for a second, biting his lip. When he looks up again it’s through his bangs, but I can tell he’s blushing again. “Blue eyes.”

There’s something about way he stared at me when he says the last part that makes me shiver. I feel like I remember… something, but I can’t remember what it is. I do recall one tendency I have though, intentional or not.

“Oh. That’s… that’s cool, I guess. I don’t really pay much attention to eye color, but I think I’ve always liked brown eyes more. Maybe it just reminds me of coffee,” I add with a chuckle that Zac shares. I look at him closer, and I’m reminded how his eyes have a hint of gold to them when the light hits him just right. Zac bites his lip and looks down at his hand between us, breaking the inexplicable hold his gaze has on me.

“So,” I say my voice cracking slightly. “What’s Vincent like?”

Zac smiles at that, and I can tell the guy I know nothing about means a lot to him. I feel a hint of irrational jealousy at that.

“He’s… great. He’s just kind of a book nerd, but it’s cute. He’s really been there for me, you know? Helped me deal with some stuff. He’s got a great sense of humor, but he’s smart, too. He…” Once again, Zac pauses to chew his lower lip. “He reminds me a lot of you,” he says quietly.

“That sounds really nice. I’m happy for you.”

“We’re not a couple,” Zac says with a shrug. “We tried it for a bit, but… well, we’re just better as friends. With benefits.” He smirks, and I don’t need to ask what kind of benefits. It’s an odd contrast, the way he says his friend/lover reminds him of me, and I’m not sure I like the reaction it causes, but I shrug the thought away before it can even finish forming.

“Well, either way. It must be nice, having someone like that. I… wouldn’t really know.”

“You’ve got friends, though, right?” Zac asks, his brow furrowed.

“I don’t really get out much,” I tell him, and hope that’s enough of an excuse, but of course it isn’t. He reaches over and wraps his hand around my wrist gently.

“Tay… You deserve to have someone, at least a friend. You don’t have anyone to talk to? What about the other teachers?”

“It’s not like people avoid me. If anything, it’s more the other way around.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I regret them. Zac’s face scrunches into an even greater expression of concern, and he scoots closer, until our legs are brushing.

“Tay… why?”

“I just… it’s for the best. I don’t need to complicate things. My life is simple, and I… I like it that way.” The lie stumbles off my tongue, and even I don’t believe it. Clearly Zac doesn’t either, the way he searches my face for a hint of the truth.

“I’m sorry.” Zac whispers the words so quietly that I wouldn’t know he’d said them if I hadn’t seen his lips move.

“Zac… you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“Yeah, I do. I shouldn’t have dropped off the radar. Especially knowing what I knew, I shouldn’t have just let you go. I just… I was scared.”

“Of what?” I turn to face him fully, our bodies close enough for me to feel his heat.

“Of what you’d think of me. Of what I’d do.”

“What do you mean?” The words are there, but the meaning behind them are lost on me. It’s obvious Zac had issues dealing with his sexuality, and I want to kill Isaac for making him feel even the slightest bit ashamed. But there’s something else to what Zac’s telling me, buried under his side-stepping and evasion. Even as he stares at me, I can see him putting his walls up to hide whatever it is he doesn’t want me to find.

“Nothing,” he sighs, rolling onto his back. He stares at the ceiling for a minute, then gets up with another sigh. “Be right back.”

“O-okay…” I watch as he heads into the bathroom, leaving the door partially open. I wish he would let me in, but after so long, I know I only have myself to blame.

After the things we’ve revealed, I can’t help imagining what it would be like to be physical with someone again. And knowing what I know now about him, it’s hard not to picture him in similar situations. I look over, and I can see him leaning against the counter; I let my eyes wander over the curve of his back, the muscles in his arms. I find myself licking my lips, leaning over to get a better view. Once again I feel that strange twist in my stomach, but there’s no denying now what it is.

I want him.